It's 7:30 in the evening and Julian has gone down for the night. The house is quite with just the sound of the tv in the background and I sit on the couch thinking about our day. I spent eight hours at work and away from my baby, I came home tired and not in the mood to play or take him outside. Now the thoughts begin, Do I spend enough time with my baby? Do I do enough for him? Am I a bad mom?
These are thoughts that I am sure every mother has at some point in their life. We always wonder if we are doing everything right. We wonder if what we are doing is enough for our kids to see that we love them beyond words and will always be there for them.
I will be the first to admit that I feel mom guilt all the time. I feel guilty for working a full time job and not being able to spend all day with him. I feel guilty for being so tired at the end of the day that all I want to do is sit on the couch and relax. I feel guilty because I get frustrated and angry at him at times. I have to constantly remind myself that he is the reason I work, I need to provide for him. I remind myself that it is ok for me to feel tired but also push myself to do activities and play games with him. I also have to remind myself that he is not the reason I get frustrated and mad and that I should not take it out on him.
Instead of feeling that guilt, remind yourself of how amazing and powerful you are. You have a job and on top of that you are a mom! You are that little baby's hero. No matter how down you might feel about yourself, know that you are doing an amazing job juggling both jobs.
Now, I am blessed to have such a supportive and hands-on partner and daddy for Julian. He helps when I need him to and is great with him. He just doesn't understand why I sometimes feel lonely. Yes I work full time and have interactions with other people. Yes, I get to leave the house and go to the store and have interactions with others, but none of that compares to the feeling of exhaustion and sadness that overcomes me at times.
He doesn't understand why I can't take two hours out of my day to go get my nails done. Those two hours of me time would require me to find a sitter, pump extra milk so that Julian can eat while I am gone, packing his diaper bag, and me worrying for two hours.
He doesn't understand why sometimes I just need a 10 minute break. There are days where I get so overwhelmed that by the evening I am ready to hand over my baby to his dad and sit outside without having to do anything.
He doesn't get it and that's where I begin to feel lonely. He doesn't understand my worrying, my stress, and everything else that I do for our son. There is nothing like being with your baby and taking care of him, but it gets hard when you're the only one doing it.
I want any moms that are reading this to know that you are not alone. Find someone you can talk to, wether it be your partner, a friend or even your sister. Someone will understand what you are going through and that will help you not feel so alone.
Yes, motherhood is lonely. But you know what else it is? It's rewarding, it's amazing and nothing else will ever compare to it.
I believe that it is important to communicate to your partner when you feel lonely or unappreciated otherwise nothing will change. I know that sometimes it is difficult to get through to them without sounding like you complain, but your feelings matter! And if you don't speak up for yourself who will?
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